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Mental Relapse

I feel like I keep hitting a bottom.  Like a glass floor hovering above rock bottom. I can see the bottom. I know I won’t hit the bottom, but I feel like I’m inches above it. I just feel like I can’t get my life back under control.  I feel so lost and miserable.  The only thing actually working is my relationship and without it I don’t know where I’d be.  Work is miserable. School is miserable. I feel helpless and restless. Knowing that the next step in life is so close and yet so far away as usual. I get this way everytime the next step in life approaches.  I just want it already. That’s really where I’m at. Knowing that all this bullshit of life in between high school and real world is college and the adjusting to reality.  I just want reality already. An actual job, or my farm.  For him to become my husband and we can move on with our lives.  For my three little boys. I just want the next step in life.  I feel like I can’t get far enough in life. I just want to be there already.  I just feel like I’m losing grip anymore and it’s rough because I know what has to be done and how to grasp hold of everything again, I just can’t seem to do it.  Like something is blocking me and it’s making me lose my damned mind.  

It’s not his fault. It’s mine. I trust him with my heart not a single flaw to it, but past experiences have caused me to be weary.  Even though I know he is pure at heart and will, that bad taste is still there and I can’t help but think I’ll become attached and end up empty handed as before.  It’s a completely different situation, but I do indeed love him with all my heart and I wish he could understand that these worries and flaws are not him there me. I just hope he can be patient and tolerate them long enough for me to overcome this mental hurdle.  

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